The Importance of Rapport

Recently I had the honor and privilege to speak to a group of real estate professionals for a local company that is growing by leaps and bounds.  We talked about the skill of rapport and how it is a tool used by the top 20% of all sales people.  Rapport is so important in sales that it makes the difference between winning and losing.

You may not be a sales person in your career but I'd like you to consider this; you're selling something - everyday. Whether you know it or not, you are selling your ideas.  If you're a parent, I'd like you to ask yourself, who is the better sales person; you or the drug dealer that happens to run into your kids while he or she is hanging out with friends at the mall or movie theater?  Oh yes, you're a sales person too.

Rapport is the concept that trust is established because two people are like each other.  When we have rapport we can communicate ideas without regard to content, trusting the other party to draw their own conclusions that are consistent with ours.  Information is more readily accepted without being subjected to a high level of scrutiny.

Isn't it true that when you meet someone for the first time (assuming you intend to get to know them better) that you begin looking for something you have in common.  The first questions we ask are, "Are you from the area?" or "How about those Cowboys?"  We ask questions to establish some common ground upon which we can have a conversation.  From those initial words we begin to form our first impression of our new contact.  Friend or foe is yet to be determined.

There is something else happening simultaneously at an unconscious level.  Unconsciously you evaluate the other person based on a whole host of criteria.  By unconsciously I mean without awareness.

We use to refer to this unconscious evaluation as a "vibe" we might get about a person.  A gut feeling or just something inside that feels warm or cold towards the other person.

If upon meeting for the first time, I see you as a reflection of me (at the unconscious level) then I more easily give you trust than someone who I see as totally not like me.  The reasoning behind this is simple.  I like me.  I believe that I am an honest and trustworthy person.  You therefore, appearing to be very much like me, must be trustworthy too.  It works in the same way for people who don't like themselves and don't believe they themselves are trustworthy.  This is the Jungian concept of "Perception is Projection".  What we perceive in our mind, we project into our world.  This would be a great topic for next month's article.

The theory of rapport is based on a study done in 1970 at the University of Pennsylvania by Dr. Raymond Birdwhistle called Kinesics in Communication.  What Dr. Birdwhistle found is that only 7% of our communication is made up of words.  Tone makes up 38% and a whopping 55% of our communication is in the physiology. 

Physiology refers to everything about our body; posture, facial expressions, how we breath, how we speak and so forth.  Outside of the words, which have our attention, physiology and tone make up 93% of our communication and that is, for the most part, out of our general awareness!  You are always communicating unconsciously.

Armed with this knowledge, now you understand how to begin establishing rapport. You become like them.  Use conversation to discover common ground and begin allowing yourself to become like the other person physiologically.  Match and mirror what the other person is doing outside of their awareness.  If they talk using their hands, don't leave your hands crammed in your pockets.  Get them out in front of you.

You can match anything about a person's physiology from the way they are sitting in a chair to the facial expressions and how their voice sounds.  So long as it is done outside of awareness the two of you will naturally fall into rapport.  Beware, if this is done overtly and within the awareness of the person you're a communicating with then they will think you are mocking them.  Be casual.  Simply fall into a like body posture a short time after the have moved into that posture.

Try casually matching and mirroring everyone you communicate with for a week.  When you feel comfortable with it begin noticing how you feel friendlier towards that person.  If you want to see if you have established rapport, try leading your new friend into some other body posture.  Cross your arms or lean forward in your chair.  When they follow you by matching or mirroring your move, you will know you have established a very good level of rapport.

The Winning Edge

The Winning Edge

Recently I had the honor and privilege to speak to a group of real estate professionals for a local company that is growing by leaps and bounds. We talked about the skill of rapport and how it is a tool used by the top 20% of all sales people. Rapport is so important in sales that it makes the difference between winning and losing.

You may not be a sales person in your career but I’d like you to consider this; you’re selling something - everyday. Whether you know it or not, you are selling your ideas. If you’re a parent, I’d like you to ask yourself, who is the better sales person; you or the drug dealer that happens to run into your kids while he or she is hanging out with friends at the mall or movie theater? Oh yes, you’re a sales person too.

Rapport is the concept that trust is established because two people are like each other. When we have rapport we can communicate ideas without regard to content, trusting the other party to draw their own conclusions that are consistent with ours. Information is more readily accepted without being subjected to a high level of scrutiny.

Isn’t it true that when you meet someone for the first time (assuming you intend to get to know them better) that you begin looking for something you have in common. The first questions we ask are, “Are you for the area?” or “How about those Falcons?” We ask questions to establish some common ground upon which we can have a conversation. From those initial words we begin to form our first impression of our new contact. Friend or foe is yet to be determined.

There is something else happening simultaneously at an unconscious level. Unconsciously you evaluate the other person based on a whole host of criteria. By unconsciously I mean without awareness.

We use to refer to this unconscious evaluation as a “vibe” we might get about a person. A gut feeling or just something inside that feels warm or cold towards the other person.

If upon meeting for the first time, I see you as a reflection of me (at the unconscious level) then I more easily give you trust than someone who I see as totally not like me. The reasoning behind this is simple. I like me. I believe that I am an honest and trustworthy person. You therefore, appearing to be very much like me, must be trustworthy too. It works in the same way for people who don’t like themselves and don’t believe they themselves are trustworthy. This is the concept of “Perception is Projection”. What we perceive in our mind, we project into our world. This would be a great topic for next month’s article.

The theory of rapport is based on a study done in 1970 at the University of Pennsylvania by Dr. Raymond Birdwhistle called Kinesics in Communication. What Dr. Birdwhistle found is that only 7% of our communication is made up of words. Tone makes up 38% and a whopping 55% of our communication is in the physiology. Physiology refers to everything about our body; posture, facial expressions, how we breath, how we speak and so forth. Outside of the words, which have our attention, physiology and tone make up 93% of our communication and that is, for the most part, out of our general awareness! You are always communicating unconsciously.

Armed with this knowledge, now you understand how to begin establishing rapport; you become like them. Use conversation to discover common ground and begin allowing yourself to become like the other person physiologically. Match and mirror what the other person is doing outside of their awareness. If they talk using their hands, don’t leave your hands crammed in your pockets. Get them out in front of you.

You can match anything about a person’s physiology from the way they are sitting in a chair to the facial expressions and how their voice sounds. So long as it is done outside of awareness the two of you will naturally fall into rapport. Beware, if this is done overtly and within the awareness of the person you’re a communicating with then they will think you are mocking them. Be casual. Simply fall into a like body posture a short time after the have moved into that posture.

Try casually matching and mirroring everyone you communicate with for a week. When you feel comfortable with it begin noticing how you feel friendlier towards that person. If you want to see if you have established rapport, try leading your new friend into some other body posture. Cross your arms or lean forward in your chair. When they follow you by matching or mirroring your move, you will know you have established a very good level of rapport.

To your best,

-Lane

Let's Get Physical

A brief break from presuppositions to talk about magic...

93% of all your communication is unconscious! The words you say only make up 7% of your communication. One of the things I enjoy most about public speaking is making use of that 93%. It is a real art form!

The tone of your voice (including cadence, emphasis and chunking) make up 35% of your communication and therefore actually change the meaning of the words you say. Tone is a bit more unconscious than the words. Certain tones can evoke memories of an old boss or co-worker, or maybe even a parent or sibling.

However, it is not what is in the voice, but rather in the body, that makes up 58% of all your communication. Your body language communicates to your listener at a very unconscious level. How you stand, how you move from one place on the stage to another, how you move your hands – all convey information to your listener.

Because your body conveys more information than your words, doesn’t it make sense to put at least as much thought into what you do as you put into what you say?

Many public speakers and trainers of public speaking will say that there are certain things you should not do when on stage, like put your hands in your pocket, or pace back and forth and I would agree with them with one exception. If you are doing it on purpose – to evoke a certain state from your audience then go for it! Ask yourself when you move your body, “Am I doing this with intent?”

The magic in being an excellent speaker comes not in the words. The magic comes from your ability to connect with your audience (rapport) and lead them through a series of images and states (emotions) leaving them with a final image and state that you choose.

Now that is what I call magic.

BE Amazing,
-Lane

There is no such thing as failure

There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. This is a much more powerful belief than acceptance of, and acquiescence to, failure. Maybe, sometimes things don’t end up the way we want them. It happens all the time in my life. The question is, “How do you respond?”

If you accept it as a ‘failure’ it is difficult to feel good. If you accept it as feedback only, then you can feel good about what you have learned than you adjust your approach and have another go at it. Even if you’re adjusted approach mean abandoning or “giving up”.

There is another quote you have probably heard, “You only fail when you give up.” I submit to you that there is a time to give up. Winston Churchill said, “This is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense.”

Keeping the faith,
-Lane

You have all the resources you need

People already have all the resources they need, they just need to get access to them and sequence them in the right order to achieve what they want to achieve.

Probably the single biggest obstacle to gaining access to our resources is simply a belief that we cannot access them. One simple belief, that’s it. Imagine just what you could do if you believed that anything was possible. Moreover, you have used all the resources at your current awareness to get to where you are in your life right this moment. I ask you, are you being joyous?

What do you want? Know that you have the resources. Focus on having it. Do what you need to do to have it.

BEing resourceful,
-Lane