The Importance of Rapport

Recently I had the honor and privilege to speak to a group of real estate professionals for a local company that is growing by leaps and bounds.  We talked about the skill of rapport and how it is a tool used by the top 20% of all sales people.  Rapport is so important in sales that it makes the difference between winning and losing.

You may not be a sales person in your career but I'd like you to consider this; you're selling something - everyday. Whether you know it or not, you are selling your ideas.  If you're a parent, I'd like you to ask yourself, who is the better sales person; you or the drug dealer that happens to run into your kids while he or she is hanging out with friends at the mall or movie theater?  Oh yes, you're a sales person too.

Rapport is the concept that trust is established because two people are like each other.  When we have rapport we can communicate ideas without regard to content, trusting the other party to draw their own conclusions that are consistent with ours.  Information is more readily accepted without being subjected to a high level of scrutiny.

Isn't it true that when you meet someone for the first time (assuming you intend to get to know them better) that you begin looking for something you have in common.  The first questions we ask are, "Are you from the area?" or "How about those Cowboys?"  We ask questions to establish some common ground upon which we can have a conversation.  From those initial words we begin to form our first impression of our new contact.  Friend or foe is yet to be determined.

There is something else happening simultaneously at an unconscious level.  Unconsciously you evaluate the other person based on a whole host of criteria.  By unconsciously I mean without awareness.

We use to refer to this unconscious evaluation as a "vibe" we might get about a person.  A gut feeling or just something inside that feels warm or cold towards the other person.

If upon meeting for the first time, I see you as a reflection of me (at the unconscious level) then I more easily give you trust than someone who I see as totally not like me.  The reasoning behind this is simple.  I like me.  I believe that I am an honest and trustworthy person.  You therefore, appearing to be very much like me, must be trustworthy too.  It works in the same way for people who don't like themselves and don't believe they themselves are trustworthy.  This is the Jungian concept of "Perception is Projection".  What we perceive in our mind, we project into our world.  This would be a great topic for next month's article.

The theory of rapport is based on a study done in 1970 at the University of Pennsylvania by Dr. Raymond Birdwhistle called Kinesics in Communication.  What Dr. Birdwhistle found is that only 7% of our communication is made up of words.  Tone makes up 38% and a whopping 55% of our communication is in the physiology. 

Physiology refers to everything about our body; posture, facial expressions, how we breath, how we speak and so forth.  Outside of the words, which have our attention, physiology and tone make up 93% of our communication and that is, for the most part, out of our general awareness!  You are always communicating unconsciously.

Armed with this knowledge, now you understand how to begin establishing rapport. You become like them.  Use conversation to discover common ground and begin allowing yourself to become like the other person physiologically.  Match and mirror what the other person is doing outside of their awareness.  If they talk using their hands, don't leave your hands crammed in your pockets.  Get them out in front of you.

You can match anything about a person's physiology from the way they are sitting in a chair to the facial expressions and how their voice sounds.  So long as it is done outside of awareness the two of you will naturally fall into rapport.  Beware, if this is done overtly and within the awareness of the person you're a communicating with then they will think you are mocking them.  Be casual.  Simply fall into a like body posture a short time after the have moved into that posture.

Try casually matching and mirroring everyone you communicate with for a week.  When you feel comfortable with it begin noticing how you feel friendlier towards that person.  If you want to see if you have established rapport, try leading your new friend into some other body posture.  Cross your arms or lean forward in your chair.  When they follow you by matching or mirroring your move, you will know you have established a very good level of rapport.