Reacting v Responding

Certain behavioral patterns will lead to empowerment and enhance communication and some do not.

Think for a moment about how you interact with others in your day to day communications or, more especially, when you are under stress.  Are you reacting or responding to the other person?

"Re-acting" acting from the past and is inward focused.  When you react, you bring all your filters (emotions, limiting beliefs, patterns) and you project them onto the other person and the conversation.  Reacting is dis-empowering because it has no action, it only expresses your filters (limitations).

Responding is outward focused and is a position that allows you to engage more completely in a conversation.  When you respond, you suspend your old filters and judgments while actively listening.  This creates a level of unprecedented empowerment because you are now in a position to create new options, new opinions, and new learnings.  Suspending your judgment allows you to maintain discernment and create a win-win situation.

Reacting - If you keep doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting what you have been getting.

Responding - Acting in the now.

BE Amazing,

-Lane

Releasing Attachment - Redux

About a month ago I wrote;

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to get a journal or pad of paper and each morning write the following line;

"Today I intend..."

And make a list of 3 to 5 things that you intend to happen just for today.  Maybe it is specific, "I intend to complete one more paragraph in my book."  Maybe it is somewhat less specific, "I intend to be open and receptive to the good in my life."  As you right that intention, imagine what the successful outcome of your intention would look like.  Imagine how you will feel when it happens.

Commit to this brief exercise for one month.  Pay attention to how the universe conspires in your favor with a little intention.

Well?  How did it go?  Write me an email and let me know what you created in your life this past month with a little intention.

Now, in order to take that little exercise into empowerment, you must take action.  What ever was presented to you is only the beginning.  It is your seedling of creation to take care of now.  Breath life into it.  Nurture it.  Let it grow.  Each day, put a little more energy into what you want by setting the next intention and committing to action.  So often we forget to remember that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  Take that step now.  Do what you dare.  What would you do if you knew that certain success was going to be the result? 

Me?  Well, I set the intention to get better at networking and extending my marketing.  I have managed to attract 3 people in the last month who "get" what I do and they have offered guidance and assistance in helping me improve my marketing.  Look for a website update soon!  ;-)

BE Amazing,

-Lane

Rapport and Language

Continuing with our discussion on rapport, language is also a key component in creating rapport.  We each have a preference for how we express our reality, our world, through language.  When you meet someone in their person model of the world it is a strong element to rapport.

Some people use a Visual language and they like to know that your idea looks good.  They want you to see what they are saying.

Some people use an Auditory language and they like to know your idea rings true.  They want you to hear what they are saying.

Some people use a Kinesthetic language and they want to know your idea is solid.  They want you get what they are saying.

Any person is not just one of these however they will tend to favor one of these modalities.  When you can identify what that modality is, you can consciously adjust your language so it is more meaningful for the listener.  Everyone knows what is meant when the speaker says, "Do you see what I mean?" and the person who prefers to represent their world in the visual modality REALLY knows what it means. 

What modality do you tend to operate in?  Go back and look at some of your writings (non-business).  Pay attention to your words when you are having a casual discussion and notice the language you favor.

Once you understand what your preferred representational system is, begin to listen to others.  What words are they using that indicate who they tend to think about their world?  Now, consciously adjust your language so that it matches their preferred representational system.

Isn't that so brilliantly simply that it sounds like something you feel you can easily do?

Rapport

The first element in establishing effective communication is the development of rapport.  When rapport has been established, you AND the listener are both in a better position to  have a great discussion,one based on respect and trust.  Rapport feels good too!!

Imagine situations were there is no rapport between the speaker and the listener; a presenter in front of a group of people, a sales person attempting to help a customer.  What happens?  The listener gets bored, the message doesn't get through.  There is nothing good to come of that.  The presentation attendees end up without the benefit of the learnings from the presenter, the presenter gets a low rating.  The sales person doesn't get the sale and the customer leaves without what they wanted.

Rapport is often misconstrued as a situation where two or more people like each other.  While this can be true, rapport is more about a level of trust granted to the conversation because the persons involved are "like each other".  In rapport, the words exchanged carry a certain level of trust or credibility and therefore are more readily accepted.

In rapport, both the listener and the speaker will feel more comfortable.

Now, I know if you have ever attended ANY sales training course, they told you, "You have to get rapport".  And if they taught you how to get rapport, it was probably something like this, "Go into the person's office and look at what is on their desk and on their walls and talk about that." or "Talk about the weather, ask them if they like sports...  yada yada yada..."  ;-)

Rapport is an art form.  By physiologically becoming more like a person, rapport is naturally established.  In NLP, we call this matching and mirroring.  One might call it empathizing.  As you connect to the feels of the speaker, as you connect to the real meaning of the words, your face will have a similar expression as their face, you may stand in a similar way as they are standing and so on.

Now that you know understand that rapport has more to do with how to people relate to each other, put it in practice.  The next time you are having a discussion with someone, sit comfortably in a similar manner they are sitting and see if you feel even more connected.

If you want to learn more about rapport and more information on how to create it with individuals or groups, give me a call or send me an email.  I do business trainings in rapport as well.

Next week, rapport and language.

Persuasion 101

As promised, we begin a series on persuasion.  Why would knowing and applying persuasion techniques be important?  Isn't persuasion "bad"?

Being a trainer of NLP, I have on more than one occasion heard a person say, "NLP is about manipulation (a more nefarious perspective of persuasion)."  Indeed, NLP has been branded with the low-energy of persuasion or manipulation in some groups.  I submit to you that NLP is the essence of fine communication and, persuasion and manipulation are essential tools - so long as your ethics are clear.

I think it is important to begin with the idea in mind that persuasion is really about effective communication.  We are constantly trying to persuade people all the time.  We attempt to persuade our boss to give us a raise.  We attempt to persuade our customer to sign off of the order.  We attempt to persuade our spouse to spring for that vacation or big-screen TV.  We attempt to persuade our children to [insert your long laundry list of moral behaviors here].  Persuasion is simply selling our ideas and getting others to buy into them.

Assuming your ethics are in the right place, knowing persuasion techniques is all about empowered communication. 

Let's look at it from a sales perspective.  Your customer comes to you in order for you to sell them something.  They wouldn't be there otherwise.  They want you to make it easy for them to make a decision to buy your product.  With effective communication skills you can assist them in making the decision to buy from you.  Ineffective persuasion skills can result in a lost sale.  You don't get the sale and the would-be customer walks away without the product.  That is a lose-lose situation.

Persuasion techniques include establishing rapport, learning about how your listener thinks about their world and learning how they arrive at a decision.  Most people leave these out, choosing to focus on the benefit of their product or point of view, yet they are the essential components to truly help (persuade) someone to make a decision.

Rapport is the first and most essential skill.  It involves creating an unconscious bond between you and the listener so what you say is readily accept with a minimum of critical analysis.

Next week, how to create rapport.  Stay tuned!